As parents and educators, we often grapple with how best to support children with ADHD and other neurodiversities. In today's digital age, many parents, desperate for support, turn to social media influencers with high follower counts but little to no expertise in child development or education. This trend, coupled with a growing push for permissive parenting and low-demand approaches, is becoming a significant concern.
While mostly well-intentioned, these influencers and their trendy parenting philosophies often lack the evidence-based strategies necessary for fostering true growth and independence in neurodiverse children. The allure of easy solutions and validation can lead parents away from the structured, skill-building approaches that research has shown to be most effective.
What's often overlooked is the crucial role of authoritative parenting in raising well-adjusted, capable neurodiverse children. Authoritative parenting strikes a balance between setting clear expectations and boundaries while also providing warmth and support. This approach is particularly beneficial for neurodiverse children, who thrive with structure and clear guidelines. Teaching accountability in relationships is so important. Neurodiverse children, like all children, need to learn that their actions have consequences and that they play a vital role in maintaining healthy relationships. This includes understanding how their behavior affects others, taking responsibility for their actions, and learning to make amends when necessary.
In this blog, we'll explore some key, evidence-based strategies to help unique individuals thrive. These approaches focus on building essential life skills, promoting responsibility and independence; and preparing children for the challenges they'll face beyond the supportive confines of home and school. By implementing these strategies, we can help neurodiverse children develop the tools they need for long-term success and improved quality of life.
Social Skills and Awareness
Many children struggle with social cues, perspective-taking, and situational awareness. These challenges can significantly impact their ability to form and maintain relationships, navigate unstructured social environments, and respond appropriately in various situations, making targeted intervention and consistent practice crucial for their social development.
To help them develop social executive function skills:
Encourage "reading the room" practice: Teach your child to observe others' body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions as well as what the environment looks like around them.
Develop internal dialogue: Help your child create a mental checklist for social situations.
"Are they looking at me or looking away?" (Eye contact)
"Am I too close to the person I'm talking to?" (Physical proximity)
"Is the other person talking, or am I doing all the talking?" (Turn-taking)
"Does the other person look interested or bored?" (Reading facial expressions)
"Is my voice too loud or too quiet?" (Volume control)
"Did I remember to say 'hello' when I joined the group?" (Greeting etiquette)
"Have I asked the other person any questions?" (Showing interest in others)
Use technology as a tool: Set periodic reminders on your child's phone titled "read the room" to prompt social awareness checks.
Role-play scenarios: Practice common social situations at home, while out shopping and at restaurants discussing appropriate responses and behaviors.
Provide real-time support: In group settings, employ discreet cues or text messages to prompt your child to assess their social engagement. Although it's advisable to encourage students to be present without using phones in social situations, this approach can serve as a temporary tool until they develop more confidence. Additionally, establish a discreet non-verbal cue system with your child, such as a specific hand gesture or touch on the shoulder, that signals them to pause and apply their social awareness skills without drawing attention from others in the group.
Screen Time and Addressing Behavior
Excessive screen use can exacerbate ADHD symptoms and lead to behavioral issues.
Here's how to address this:
Conduct a family meeting:
Explain the need for reduced screen time and involve everyone in creating new house rules.
For families dealing with screen addiction:
Gradually decrease screen time over a period of 2 weeks.
Implement a full screen detox:
Remove all non-essential screens from the home for a set period (e.g., 2-4 weeks, the longer the better).
During this time, focus on alternative activities and family bonding.
Expect a temporary escalation in challenging behaviors when implementing screen time changes. It's crucial to remain calm and avoid giving attention to these reactions. Remember, giving in only postpones the inevitable and teaches your child that tantrums are effective. Stay resolute during this adjustment period, knowing that your consistency is paving the way for significant improvements in your child's overall well-being and quality of life. The initial struggle will be worth the long-term benefits of reduced screen dependence and improved self-regulation skills.
For families without screen addiction:
Establish structured screen time:
Set specific times during the day when screens are allowed.
Use timers to signal the beginning and end of screen time.
Outside of designated screen time:
It's the child's responsibility to find alternative activities. Parents should not feel obligated to constantly entertain their children. If you child has a hard time knowing how to handle being "bored", take time to brainstorm a list of ideas for them and create a visual list of these activities. Hang it in a prominent location and have them refer to it during screen-free periods.
Create a structured daily routine:
Replace screen time with alternative activities like outdoor play, reading, or family games.
Use visual schedules:
Create a daily timetable that clearly shows when screen time is allowed.
Be consistent:
Stick to the new rules, even if your child's behavior initially worsens, which it often does. Consistency is key for long-term improvement.
Offer positive reinforcement:
Reward positive screen-free behavior with extra privileges or quality time with parents.
Lead by example:
Family screen-free time is essential for fostering meaningful connections and improving communication among family members. It creates opportunities for face-to-face interactions, shared activities, and the development of important social skills. Equally crucial is parental modeling of healthy screen habits. When parents consistently demonstrate balanced technology use and engage in screen-free activities, they set a powerful example for their children. This modeling not only reinforces the importance of real-world experiences but also helps children develop a healthier relationship with technology. By prioritizing screen-free family time and modeling responsible device use, parents lay the foundation for better family dynamics and equip their children with valuable life skills in managing digital consumption.
When dealing with aggressive or destructive behavior:
Identify triggers: Keep a log of incidents to recognize patterns and potential triggers.
Create a calm-down corner: Designate a safe space where your child can go to regulate their emotions. This needs to be designed with your child when things are calm. There will be more buy in when you have them involved in the process. You can add a sensory/calming kit to this area. Brainstorm ideas: scented lotions, Think Putty, fidgets, a soft blanket, photos that make your child think of a happy place, etc.
Teach coping strategies: Practice deep breathing, box breathing, lifeline tracing or using stress balls together.
Enlist supporters: Identify respected individuals (teachers, coaches, relatives) who can have calm, non-judgmental conversations with your child about their behavior. Do not underestimate the value in having people other than parents hold your child accountable.
Enlist Supportive Feedback: Have these trusted individuals express concern about the behavior, not criticism of the child. For example: "I was surprised to hear about what happened. That doesn't sound like the [Child's name] I know. Can we talk about it?" Equally important is recognizing positive behavior. Share good news with these supporters and ask them to reach out to your child, acknowledging their efforts and use of strategies. This approach reinforces positive choices and helps the child understand the impact of their actions on others who care about them.
Implement logical consequences: If property is damaged, involve the child in doing the work involved to repair or replace it.
Affirm positive behavior: Catch your child being good and offer specific, immediate affirmations to reinforce desirable actions. Instead of using basic praise like: "Good job cleaning your room!" Try an affirmation like: "You showed real responsibility by cleaning your room without being asked. That kind of initiative will serve you well in many areas of life."
Handling Lying
Frequent lying is most common in children with ADHD, often stemming from impulsivity or a desire for attention. They often lack an internal system of checks and balances and truly say what immediately comes to mind so often.
Here's a more comprehensive approach to addressing this behavior:
Understand the root cause:
Lying might be a coping mechanism for forgetfulness, a way to avoid disappointment, or an attempt to gain control.
Stay calm:
Respond to lies without anger or excessive emotion to avoid reinforcing the behavior with attention.
Use the "second chance" technique:
Acknowledge the lie: "I hear what you're saying, but I'm not sure that's entirely accurate." Offer an opportunity for honesty: "I'm going to step out of the room for a moment. When I come back, let's try this conversation again."
Praise honesty: If they tell the truth, respond with, "Thank you for being honest. I appreciate that you told the truth."
If they lie again, avoid giving attention to the behavior. You might say, "I see you're not ready to be honest right now. We can try again later," and then disengage from the conversation and walk away.
Avoid labeling:
Don't call your child a "liar." Instead, focus on the behavior: "Telling the truth is important in our family."
Teach the difference between lies and imagination:
For younger children, help them understand the line between creative storytelling and dishonesty.
Create a safe environment for truth-telling:
Ensure your reactions to mistakes or misbehavior aren't so severe that your child feels compelled to lie out of fear. Also, do not set your child up for lying by asking questions that you already know the answer to.
Instead of: "Did you eat the cookies I told you not to touch?" (when you can clearly see cookie crumbs on their shirt)
Try: "I see there are cookie crumbs on your shirt. Let's talk about why it's important to follow our family rules about snacks."
This approach avoids creating a situation where the child might feel tempted to lie to avoid punishment. It also opens up a conversation about the behavior without accusation, allowing for a more constructive discussion about rules and consequences.
Model honesty:
Be truthful in your own interactions, even in small matters, to set a good example.
Address underlying issues:
If lying persists, consider whether it's masking other problems like academic struggles or social difficulties.
Fostering Independence
Developing independence is crucial for long-term success.
Developing independence is crucial for long-term success, and it plays a vital role in building genuine self-esteem and confidence in children. Contrary to popular belief, children don't primarily develop confidence through parental praise alone. Instead, they gain a robust sense of self-worth by recognizing their own capabilities and experiencing competence in tasks they can accomplish independently. When children successfully navigate challenges and master new skills on their own, they internalize a sense of achievement that goes far beyond the temporary boost of external praise. This self-realized competence becomes the foundation for authentic confidence, resilience, and the motivation to tackle future challenges. Therefore, providing opportunities for children to develop and exercise independence is not just about preparing them for adulthood; it's about empowering them to build a strong, internally-driven, motivated sense of self-efficacy that will serve them throughout their lives.
Here's how to cultivate these skills:
Start early:
Assign age-appropriate responsibilities from a young age, gradually increasing complexity. Try using a scaffolded approach. Here is an example of how it could look with laundry - Start by having the child observe as you do laundry, explaining each step of the process. Next, involve them in sorting clothes by color while you handle the rest. Gradually, let them load the machine, with you measuring and adding detergent. Teach them how to operate the machine under your supervision. As they become more comfortable, introduce folding tasks, starting with simple items like towels and socks. Eventually, have the child perform the entire process while you observe. Once they've mastered these steps, allow them to do laundry independently, with you available for questions if needed. The final stage is complete autonomy, where the child manages their own laundry schedule and execution. This approach incrementally increases responsibility while decreasing parental involvement, building the child's confidence and competence over time.
Teach life skills systematically:
Money management: Start with a piggy bank, progress to a bank account, then teach budgeting.
Time management: Use visual schedules with lots of images before words and lists, then transition to digital calendars and reminders.
Self-care: Create illustrated checklists for hygiene routines, then fade prompts over time.
Our primary mission as parents is to equip our children with the essential skills they need to thrive independently, while nurturing an environment that allows them to experience the richest possible quality of life.
Making and keeping friends
Getting and maintaining a job
Living independently
Getting Out of the Comfort Zone
While it's crucial to be understanding of neurodiversity, we must also encourage growth and responsibility. Keeping children in their comfort zones doesn't serve their long-term development, despite what those low-demand parenting influencers on social media might be telling you. Trust me when I say it is not "Ableist" to get your kids off screens and out into the real world trying different things! We want to gradually, over time, expose them to new experiences and challenges.
Strategies for parents:
Start small: Introduce minor changes to routines or environments.
Use positive reinforcement: Praise efforts to try new things, regardless of outcome and don't ever let them quit an activity on a bad day. They should only be allowed to quit on a good day!
Create a safety net: Ensure children know they have support when venturing out of their comfort zone. Talk about it ahead of time, several times.
Set achievable goals: Break down larger challenges into smaller, manageable steps.
Model risk-taking: Show your child how you face your own fears and try new things.
Stepping into your parental authority: It would be nice to get your child's buy-in to try new things, but you don't need their permission. For kids with ADHD, they will have an even higher propensity to say "no" to all options. They like that small, narrow, comfort zone and staying there means they have control over their environment. Exercise your parental authority and get them signed up for extra-cirrciulars, clubs, volunteering and any activities you can think of. Let them know you are the parent and know what is best for them and their well-being. Hold the boundary and that's the end of the discussion. This is how you find your child's passion!
Celebrate progress: Acknowledge every step forward, no matter how small. This is important!
The Power of Neuroplasticity
The brain's remarkable ability to reorganize itself through new experiences is known as neuroplasticity. By consistently engaging in targeted activities and exposing ourselves to diverse challenges, we can literally rewire our neural pathways, enhancing cognitive functions and developing new skills throughout our lives.
Strategies for parents:
Introduce mindfulness practices: Start with short, guided meditations appropriate for your child's age.
Play brain-training games: Use puzzles, memory games, and strategy-based activities.
Encourage diverse experiences: Expose your child to various sensory inputs, languages, and problem-solving scenarios.
Practice task-switching: Engage in activities that require shifting between different rules or thought processes.
Foster creativity: Encourage artistic expression, imaginative play, and open-ended problem-solving.
Maintain consistent sleep schedules: Good sleep hygiene is crucial for brain plasticity and development; and without it, the prefrontal cortex/executive functions simply cannot work properly.
When we recognize and leverage the brain's neuroplasticity, we can actively engage in activities that promote cognitive flexibility and self-regulation. This approach not only helps in current challenges but also builds a foundation for lifelong learning and adaptation.
Conclusion:
In our journey to support neurodiverse children, we've explored several crucial aspects: enhancing social skills, managing screen time, addressing challenging behaviors, fostering independence, implementing authoritative parenting, teaching accountability, pushing comfort zones, and harnessing the power of neuroplasticity.
By implementing strategies such as developing internal dialogues for social situations, structuring screen time, using supportive approaches to address behaviors, scaffolding life skills, and gradually expanding comfort zones, parents can significantly impact their child's development. The focus on authoritative parenting provides the necessary structure and support, while teaching accountability which ensures children understand the impact of their actions.
Remember,supporting neurodiverse children is not about changing who they are, but about equipping them with the tools they need to navigate a world that may not always accommodate their unique needs. It's a delicate balance of understanding, challenge, and skill-building, always with an eye toward fostering long-term independence and quality of life.
As parents and caregivers, our role is to be patient, consistently pushing for growth while providing unwavering support. By doing so, we help our neurodiverse children build resilience, self-confidence, and the ability to advocate for themselves. This journey may have its challenges, but with persistence and the right strategies, we can help these unique individuals not just cope, but truly thrive in their own remarkable ways.
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Such a great blog thank you for sharing all this!!